In all relating, there is a pursuer and a pursuee.
In every relationship, there is will and surrender.
In every dynamic, you will find submission and domination.
Connection inherently contains attraction and repulsion.
Relating inevitably entails a divine dance between freedom and attachment.
If you want to experience a functioning intimate (close) relationship—whether with a friend, a partner, a lover, or even yourself—you must learn to tolerate these tensions of any given duality.
Oh, wouldn’t it be lovely if life were just a peaceful, constant state—like the pristine, unruffled surface of a pond? To bask in that simplicity of unchanging unity sounds heavenly… and also, if we’re honest, kinda boring.
Raise your hand if you’ve ever sat beside a calm lake and thrown a rock into it, or at least watched someone else do it. Why? What is it about human nature that delights in disrupting stillness and creating ripples?
Is it boredom? Dopamine-seeking? Entertainment? Or is it simply the nature of the universe—that movement is the essence of life?
In an undifferentiated universe—what some traditions call Brahma, or primordial oneness—dualities don’t exist. There is only stasis. Perhaps there is a part of us that longs for that return: No highs or lows. No me or you. Not even a we. Just pristine unified field.
But as humans in bodies, we live in space and time. Our skin creates boundaries and physical separation. Differentiation is our reality. And where there is differentiation, there is movement. That movement creates the pushes and pulls of relationship. Sometimes they feel like a tug of war. Other times, like a creative dance.
The magic happens when we learn to notice what’s really happening—when we let go of egoic stories about how it should be, when we choose self-and-other respect, when we bring curiosity to the dance.
In that moment, something new emerges. The dual becomes a triad — You, the other, plus the dynamic itself. Here we find an integrative awareness that transcends both.
Yin and Yang give rise to Tao.
You and your partner create the relationship itself.
Two poles generate the tension that births something new.
The third is not simply a compromise or a mix. It is a higher-order state that could not exist without the tension of both.
1 = Unity.
2 = Opposition.
3 = Harmony.
Here are just a few ways the “third new thing” shows up in relationship dynamics:
Pursuer and pursuee → Magnetism: The relationship itself becomes a field of attraction.
Will and surrender → Trust: Both are expressions of the same flow.
Submission and domination → Shared Power: Consent creates transcendent empowerment.
Attraction and repulsion → Chemistry: Tension sparks aliveness and excitement.
Freedom and attachment → Belonging without possession: Rooted connection without losing autonomy.
Other examples:
Independence + dependence = Interdependence
Mystery + familiarity = Intimacy with wonder
Vulnerability + protection = Safety for openness
Agreement + disagreement = Creative friction
Challenge + support = Evolution
Giving + receiving = Understanding
Certainty + uncertainty = Faith
Distance + closeness = Longing
Patience + urgency = Right timing
Stability + change = Growth
Desire + contentment = Savoring
Boundaries + openness = Mutual trust
Power + vulnerability = Authenticity
Adventure + home = Shared belonging
Logic + emotion = Wisdom
Effort + ease = Grace
Once you start to look for it, the pattern is everywhere. Every polarity carries the seed of a third, emergent reality.
I created a visual called The Wheel of Relationship Alchemy: From the Tension of Duality to the Emergence of Triplicity. This is where the practice comes in.
This visual representation maps the many dualities that can arise in intimate relating, and the “third new thing” that emerges from their tension.
Whether you’re currently in an intimate relationship or not, you can use this wheel as a reflection practice:
Identify a polarity you struggle with. For example: Togetherness / Solitude, Privacy / Transparency, or Freedom / Attachment.
Reflect on your relationship with each pole. Do you resist one more than the other? Do you over-identify with one side?
Look to the wheel. Notice what “third” can emerge from the tension. For example, from Freedom and Attachment arises Belonging Without Possession.
Journal or dialogue. Spend time writing about the tension, or use it as a conversation starter with a partner, close friend, or therapist.
Experiment. Try to embody both poles consciously, and notice how the third reality arises.
This practice can transform tension from something to be feared into something to be welcomed. It turns conflict into alchemy.
Relationships are not static ponds. They are living fields of movement, tension, and transformation. When we recognize that every polarity holds the potential for a third, emergent reality, we stop clinging to sides and start participating in alchemy.
The relationship is not me or you, or give or take—it’s the living field created through the two of your coming together.
What is the third thing waiting to emerge in your relationships right now?
Feel free to go to victoriabccouplescounselling.com/freebie to download the worksheet with the Wheel of Relationship Alchemy.
Blessings of Wellness & Love,
Flowa
